Untitled.

June 30, 2009

Tonight was strange.
I was happy and free and very hyper earlier tonight, hanging around in Ruby Tuesday’s with Ed, Robin, and Tyler (Tyler’s visiting from the US). We made silly jokes (like a BOSS) and had an all-around good time. I said my “goodbyes” to Robin, I felt perfectly fine. I had some emotional conversations on MSN, and at 12:30, Robin tells me she’s packing her laptop up and that we were having her last conversation in Trinidad at that moment. I was fine right up until then. I don’t know what happened. I felt like I did on the last day of school — Friday, when Mai had to drag me to the girl’s bathroom for me to stop crying, and I felt like I did back when Lanora left. I can’t understand it — how does it even work? How can an ever-present force in your life just vanish? Not completely, of course — I’ll stay in touch with those who leave, but still. I was walking to the mall the other day and I glanced at my English teacher’s — Mrs. Chesler’s — house, wondering if she was home, or if her kids were around. And the only thing there was an empty house with a red sign on it, saying “For Rent.”
After sobbing my eyes out after Robin’s departure off the IM Client, I clung onto Ed and Mai, who both morally supported me. Ed’s advice was the same which I gave to him back when Tyler left — the almighty “fertilizer” metaphor (in a nutshell: “it feels like shit, but it’ll definitely help you grow”) — advice which I now have to, reluctantly, adopt for myself. His advice has that air of wisdom which he’s gained from his experiences with Tyler. It’s funny, because even though he said his goodbyes to Tyler a year ago, Tyler’s in his tv room right now, probably fast asleep. I can only hope I can say the same for Robin.
Mai’s advice came in the form of her belting out some lyrics (Motion City Soundtrack, I think?) and basically trying to cheer me up. Nic left before my little moment, sooo yeah. Still, he helped.
As for Risa… we haven’t met face-to-face yet, but she was all worried, so:
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…she made me a sign. xD
There was a day back a few months ago when Robin, Ed and I just sat in my bathroom. We talked about everything — everything. During this time, Robin and I painted our nails — mine were a bright yellow, and hers were a deep blue. It’s something I’ll never forget. Tonight when she was leaving, Robin handed me a “present,” and she said that in honor of that little memory, she was giving me her entire nail polish collection. That alone’s enough to make me tear up.
But yeah. Thanks to all of those people who helped me out tonight, and who’ll keep on helping me. You’re all the best. I’ll help you as much as I can, too. And… we’ll just have to face the future as it comes. It won’t be easy, and life is a HUGE, UNFAIR BITCH, but at the end of the day… it’s all we have. So we better just take a deep breath and move on — crying when necessary, of course.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like creating something amazing.
I don’t want to stick with how I used to be. I want to travel, see, meet — I just want to taste freedom, for a change. I feel like re-defining every bit of my existence. I think it’s about time. I just feel like laying a piece of paper down and painting; I feel like writing and singing and just…doing everything. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt so inspired. I wonder why? I guess it’s just one of those things which trigger — the fact that we’re watching Basquiat is pretty much throwing gasoline on the flame. ♥
Speaking of art, this photography project really restores my faith in humanity, even if it’s just a little bit. NOH8 is a silent protest against Proposition 8. Adam Bouska and his partner — Jeff Parshley — “founded” it. Basically, people are photographed with a piece of duct tape over their mouth, “symbolizing their voice not being heard,” and with “NOH8” painted on one of their cheeks. “People” range from famous celeberities to average high-schoolers. It’s pretty amazing, and very inspiring. I think that I’m going to adopt a more “optimistic” outlook on the world — I mean, yeah, the bad, misinformed people exist, but they’re also millions of people who believe in equality; in self-expression. I’ll just have a few laughs at the ignorance and occasionally snap out at them… but from now on, I’m gonna try to focus on the positives. YEP.

(…Let’s see how long that lasts.)

AHEM, ANYWAY. New resolution: write a poem every day. Short’s fine. 4 lines is fine. (…I sound like I’m talking to myself…) I’ll try to stick to it. Will try to update the Poetry page as I write new ones~ But yeah, even if I don’t post them, I want to write them. D: And also, I want to learn how to play the guitar over summer. BLAH, SO MUCH TO DO, SO LITTLE TIME.

Oh, I also got a hamburger phone. THE FIRST STEP IN REDOING MY ROOM FURNITURE-WISE.

And finally…
this is so amusing:

crunch-time.

June 14, 2009

It’s dawned upon us yet again — the week before exams. Possibly the only thing more grueling that taking the actual test… this week means “crunch time.” The amount of moodswings one undergoes in this lone week… it’s crazy.
First, we have the “denial” stage. As in, “I have one week left before the exam. One week is plenty of time.” Then comes the “paranoia” stage. See also: “BLOODY HELL ONE WEEK = 7 DAYS I HAVE 6 EXAMS OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.” Unfortunately, this is usually accompanied by the first signs “lethargic” stage, in which you want to study but are completely unmotivated to do so, despite being scared shitless about failing everything. Once you’ve run the “paranoia” stage dry, the “lethargic” stage still lives on, developing into the “I do not give a rat’s ass” stage, in which… you don’t give a rat’s ass.
(Ironically, this stage also rears its head in on the night before the exam. I think that’s for the best, though. I mean, if it didn’t, I’d be up all night cramming.)
But eventually, you just suck it up and do what you have to do, whatever it may be. This may involve converting a casual gathering with your friends into a history study session of epic proportions, in which you compare the World Wars to simple childhood escapades on the playground. You can also sacrifice 4-6 hours of your “long weekend” to the demons of Biology. 30 pages typed up, so far — and that doesn’t even include Ecology, which we have yet to cover. (Also ironically: the Biology exam is on Monday. The first day of exams. …Why.)

But I guess I should cherish this week, despite the “stress” which comes along with it. Exams are like a wall, separating me from summer vacation, sims 3; from goodbyes and hellos, from hopping on a plane and zipping off to god-knows-where, armed with a camera, a bag of chips, and salsa which was stolen from Mai.

Yep, this is only the beginning.

It’s PROM.

June 5, 2009

It’s everything, it’s nothing; it’s a hell of a time, it’s a waste of time. Whatever you think of prom, there’s one thing that never changes: the anarchy which ensues during the week leading up to it.
Gossip flies around the high-school body.
“Did he ask her yet?”
“Are they going together?”
“OH MY GAHD HE ASKED HER INSTEAD OF MEEEEE”
“That man-whore!”
“That slut.”
“That poohead!”
And, of course, you’ll see the clusters of teen-aged girls prattling on and on and on about how incredibly awesome their dress is, how they intend to do their hair (apparently, it takes 2 hours to straighten one’s hair for prom. I don’t know. Those girls are bloody crazy), how they want their make-up done and such. In my high school, it’s also customary for the ENTIRE STUDENT BODY to bitch about prom during the weeks leading up to it. “It’s such a waste of time!” A girl was telling me. “I have better things to do than stand around in a damn dress.” It was this same girl who I heard going on with her friends about how she bought 4 dresses and couldn’t decide on which one she should wear, and OHMYGOD they should totally try on dresses together!…It’s amazing, it sounds so hypocritical and weird, but that’s how everyone in school is. Even though they complain about it, they all end up going anyway. Pshhh. And don’t get me started with the sheer amount of break-ups and get-togethers during this week. I’ve seen people randomly bursting into tears and having “emotional breakdowns” in Chemistry for no apparent reason. It’s tedious, and I try to avoid getting tangled up in it as if it were the plague.
Contrary to (somewhat) popular belief, I actually love prom…because I love dressing up. Prom is, therefore, an excuse to wear a pretty dress and make my hair all nice, to take some silly (and some serious) pictures, followed up by frolicking around and munching on the occasional hors d’œuvre. Despite my slight fondness for it, I’m usually horrifically unprepared for prom. Last year, I sorted out which dress I was wearing to prom on the same day as it. I kid you not. Other people had bought their outfits months before. Craziness.
I’ve improved a bit this year, though. …Okay, not a lot, but. I bought my dress today — Thursday. It’s bright red and fabulous. This is paired with black heels. Yup. …Prom’s on Saturday. Not too bad? Okay, it’s pretty bad, but eh, what’ll you do. I also got my shoes today, and my mother offered to cut my fringe for me so that I would be able to see once again. …I took her up on this offer, and while my bangs are a bit short now, they look decent and THE WORLD IS CLEAR.
Before that moment, I have a class trip, which I mentioned previously, I think? We’re heading off to watch turtles plop out eggs; it’s an overnight stay at some inn near the beach. I’m nervous for some odd reason — mainly because whenever I go hiking, I tend to fall in the oddest of places. But I’m sure I’m not the only klutz, so that’ll end up alright.

…I hope.