Nothing And Nowhere

February 7, 2009

At night, she would lie in her bed and stare up at the ceiling of her bedroom. Her eyes would trace over every crack in the concrete. Over and over; a repeating action. Umpteen times. It was a routine; a familiar routine, a comforting routine, whilst simultaneously being one accompanied by great unrest.
She would lie on her back, looking up at the cracks. Her heart would beat, sometimes too fast and other times too slow; and then, it would just ache – ache for hours on end. Her mind would be searching for words; words which could express what she felt. Hours upon hours would pass, as her mind journeyed everywhere and nowhere.
She would breathe in shakily when she remembered that she had to, ignoring how downright real such a need made her feel.
She felt like she could go anywhere, but she felt as if she was chained to one spot. Contained, like a small, frightened animal, in a metallic cage.
She wanted to escape. She wanted to leave that cage; to give into the feelings of freedom and never look back; never have to face the demons of the day or the hardships of the night.
But she couldn’t.
She wondered if the ceiling would cave in someday, to come falling down upon her with an almighty crash. But she knew it wouldn’t. It would forever be up there, out of her reach and barely in her sight. Yet, she couldn’t tear her gaze away from it.
Her mind was throwing a fit during all of this. It would scream too loudly for her to comprehend and talk far too quickly for her to decipher. The words chaotically flew around in her skull, tripping and slipping and destroying each other, making a great deal of noise and disorder. Their messages were impossible to decode. After many nights of trying to cling onto these words — of trying to catch them, in the palms of her trembling hands, she decided that enough was enough. She had to let go.
But she couldn’t.
And thus, it continues. Every night, this girl would lie in her bed. Her heart would reprimand her, her needs would ridicule her, and her cage would contain her. Words would swarm in her ears. The ceiling would be a comfort and a pain. She wondered if it would ever come crashing down.